Carolyn's blog

Great day today. Though it started off bad. Today was Joshua's neurosurgeon check-up. Routine, really. Has to be done every six months to check on the shunt - right? Routine my ass. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, or how well he's doing. I wake up on the morning of that appointment, after a crappy night's sleep, to feeling the claws of anxiety. I'm panicky. The 'what-ifs' come back. What if I've missed something? What if his shunt is malfunctioning? What if he needs surgery today?

So, I have a secret to share. This is big, no one really knows about it except my family. Part of the reason that I gain so much weight when I get PPD is the medication. It makes me do this crazy, embarrassing thing. I wake up in the middle of the night and eat. Not just a little bit, but tons and tons of food. At least I assume that it is. I never remember it. The only way that I know it happened is when I wake up in the morning feeling full. Not just pleasantly full, but grotesquely -you know - want to puke your guts up kind of full.

We are home from Florida, back to the grind. Zachary started kindergarten. It's going really well, he loves it. Has a teacher who seems to be able to manage the ADHD. Joshua started preschool. He loves it too. They are growing up. But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because I think I'm going to kill the both of them. It's unfortunate, but true. Someone had better get here quick if they ever want to see them alive again. Why -you ask?

I lost Zachary at the mall today. We were in the play area. One minute I was telling him that we were leaving soon, then I sat down to put on Joshua's shoes and then he was gone. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I looked everywhere, but he was nowhere to be seen. Finally, I went up to mall security. Told them my son was missing. Those are terrible words to say. They were in the process of locking the place down when an employee from chick-fil-a approached me. He was over there. We had supper at chick-fil-a. That was the last place he remembered seeing me.

Three weeks at my parents house!

I must be really on the road to recovery because I decided spur of the moment (impossible to do when I'm sick, panic attacks would ensue if a 'spur of the moment' decision came about) that we should go to Richmond and visit Betty. Betty was our nanny for Zachary during my first bout with PPD. She is a wonderful, amazing, funny, kind woman. I miss her every day. Anyway, haven't seen her for a while, so off we go to Richmond. It was the first car trip ever for the boys. They did really well, except didn't nap - either of them. At all. Joshua tried, bless his heart.

This place is incredible. So much history. I swear I could live here, the energy is awesome. I feel my PPD slipping away with each day and I have been able to thoroughly enjoy myself. My dad and I haven't pushed it. I've gotten to sleep in every day (no 7am waking up for me here - no little boys to wake up for), eat leisurely meals at cafes and restaurants. But we've also been doing so much. Visiting the Tower, Herrods, Windsor Castle, Buckingham Palace. We've even taken in a couple of shows. So much fun. So good for the soul to get away without the boys. To just be me for a little while.

I love my parents. They are so good to me. I have no idea how my life would be without them. They are wonderful. My Dad called me today and said, 'I'm so glad you are finally feeling better, so I think we should celebrate! How would you like to go to London?" Well, you might as well ask me how I'd like to win a million dollars?

It's really working. The Pristiq that is. Every day, I'm coming back a little bit more. I don't wake up in a panic every morning. I feel hope. What a beautiful feeling hope is. I can come out of this. It's gonna take time, but I'm gonna make it. Today, Demian stopped me in the kitchen, looked deep into my eyes and said, 'I'm glad you are coming back, I've missed you!'. It made tears come into my eyes, I've missed him too. He must have been so lonely with me here, so close to him, but so unreachable. That's what I felt like at least.

This is like a miracle. Only a couple of days on Pristiq and I can already feel myself coming back. I've been 'up' and things have seemed funny to me that haven't for a long time. I felt like talking to other people again. The claws of anxiety around my neck have loosened. Maybe there is hope for me after all. It felt great. I miss the old Carolyn so much and I saw her today. I hope she's on her way back.