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Yippee! I finally have answers!! After the 'lie in', the Mayo docs were called in. Since I happened to be going to Minnesota already, it was decided that I should take a small detour down to Rochester to visit Dr. Kung. He's not my normal doctor, but Dr. Alarcon was out of town, so he'll have to do. He's a really nice man. I met with him, he was very kind and he told me that I'm on the wrong meds. A new analysis of my blood via the p450 test showed that I can't metabolize through 3 out of the 4 enzymes they test for!

It worked. WOW how it worked. Not getting out of bed really got their attention. My parents and Demian spoke on the phone yesterday and they are calling the doctors tomorrow. I feel bad that I had to go to this extreme, but I'm glad it got me noticed. I know how they feel. After everything that we went through with Joshua's illness and my subsequent PPD (second episode), they want everything to be ok. They want it so badly that they can taste it. Well -newsflash - they aren't the only ones. I want things to be ok too. But they aren't. I feel like I wish I was dead.

That's it, I'm done. In my last blog I said that I'm sick to death of everyone telling me that I'm ok. That it just takes time. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!!! How I'm feeling is not ok. And no one will help me. But, I'm going to take the decision out of their hands. Every day, I get up, I paste a stupid smile on my face and I do what I have to do. Is that what is making them say I'm ok?

This is crazy. Everyone tells me that I should be feeling better by now, but I don't yet. I want to. God how I want to, but it's just not true. Joshua is better, I've been out of the hospital now for 7 months. I did the therapy, I got the 10 ECT treatments. I'm home, I'm taking care of my boys. Things should be good. So, what on earth is wrong with me?