Losing A Loved One And A Job. At The Same Time.

In one hour, from 4:00 to 5:00, on the afternoon of March 2, 2009 flipped my life over. I lost my position at the advertising agency, a place I worked for twelve years. I'd been working since I was 15. I'd never been without a job since McDonalds in 1985. I love working. I like the structure and rules and work gave that to me. Now there was no structure, no rules, no expectations. I was floating without an anchor, totally shocked. I was lost.

And then my husband called with more shocking news: My beloved nephew Jake died from a grand mal seizure. He was 22. Someone I absolutely and unconditionally, loved from the second he was born. I felt like I was having a heart attack for about a week. That punch to the chest is brutal. I have to believe that it's the reaction to losing a little bit of my heart. There's a void there and I felt that hole.

I watched the movie "Juno" every day for about a week. I have no idea why. I guess because it was on our Tivo list. I floated from day to day without my nephew and without a job. I finally had to ask my husband, "Is Jake dead?" I needed to break out of my haze of denial. That did the trick.

I started seeing the gifts. I can't help but to associate Jake with losing my job. It's almost like a message from him: "Kelly, trust me. Life is short. It's time to embrace your dreams."

So I am. I'm writing a book and supporting women. Two things I've always wanted to do, but wasn't sure where to begin. In April, I called Carolyn and introduced myself. We talked about her book and our experiences. We talked about re-igniting her website; this website. And here were are.

I still struggle with losing the Jake. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in denial. When I struggle, I keep this in mind: If someone said to me, "If you could save yourself the pain and Jake was never born, would you do it?" The answer is no. I'd much rather have known and loved him and deal with the heartache. I hurt because I love. If I didn't love Jake, I wouldn't be hurting. But I did, so I do. I hurt because I love. And love is always worth it. Doesn't mean I won't struggle though. I miss him. The job? I don't miss that a bit. Our checkbook misses it, but I don't. : 0 )